Is it Safe to Come Out?
In a world full of people dominated by patriarchal normality, the most vulnerable and underpowered are the men who are deemed queer. Queer men reap some but not all of the patriarchal privileges that come with being a male. In fact, once a queer man accepts and embraces his identity, he essentially emasculates himself and revokes his “inner manhood” in the eyes of straight male oppressors. Queer men live as an enigmatic embodiment of anomalies that threaten indoctrinated patriarchal men’s existence. When that happens, patriarchal men are often violent towards their queer counterparts, whether physically, emotionally, or passive-aggressively. The violence that comes from these straight men is often met with validation from peers, to them, violence is a masculine trait that should be praised. Most patriarchal straight men will try to put queer men, who they see as strange, in their place or in some cases flat-out remove them from existence. Doing so preserves the sacred masculinity that patriarchal men worship so dearly. This isn’t to say that all straight men follow toxic patriarchal standards or, are homophobic towards gay men. There are societal pockets of men who are allies and show friendliness towards queer men. However, it is also valid to say that there are enough straight men who are toxic towards queer men for the environment to be considered hazardous. So is it safe for a closeted queer man to come out? Not entirely, as men are already subject to be victims of dogmatic patriarchal society. But when men realize that they are queer and accept their identity, they become bigger targets of society. I’m constantly reminded of the killings and mass shootings that took place targeting gay people. I’m constantly reminded of stories from close relatives and friends, of being mugged, abused, and beaten up by strangers and familiar faces. In a bizarro world, it’s almost as if toxic masculinity is the immune system of a living breathing societal entity whose goal is to produce megalomaniac men, and queer men are a virus that if left unchecked will infect and spread to other men, threatening the patriarchal entity’s existence.
Disclaimer: “Patriarchy is a social system in which men hold primary power (women are often excluded) and predominate in roles of political leadership, moral authority, social privilege and control of property.” Walby, Sylvia (1990). Theorizing patriarchy. Oxford, UK Cambridge, Massachusetts: Wiley-Blackwell. p. 20
I Don’t Want to Come Out to My Parents
It is imperative as individuals that we live out our truth. For me, living your truth means to live without lessening or mitigating yourself. Being content enough to express yourself without resentment. To dance unashamedly. Allowing yourself to feel emotions unashamedly. To love unashamedly. Unfortunately, men can’t easily be their true selves because of the society we live in. As a man, being yourself is acceptable as long as it fits within the parameters of masculinity. Anything that seems out of alignment with patriarchal masculinity is quickly noticed, addressed, and dealt with. I love my parents but I could rarely be 100% myself around them without feeling like I would be judged for it later. Living in such suffocative conditions for so long has built resistance in my lungs, strong enough to hold my breath even when I’m being emotionally abused well into my adult life. I don’t want to come out to my parents. As if patriarchal masculine standards are hard enough, religion doubles down on those standards and teaches me to outright deny my abomination of an existence. I knew for a long time that I was gay, but when you’re reminded that your existence is that of the purest form of evil and that your gayness is a gateway to more sin by your church and parental figures….you gradually begin to feel less-than. For a long time, I thought that somehow I had allowed my spirit to be infected by an unclean homosexual spirit that could only be alleviated by coming clean with God. I thought to myself, “Why me Lord?”, why am I one of the unlucky few who must suffer from this disease? Having super-religious parents only made my condition worse. For me, coming out would be the equivalent of admitting that I’m demon-possessed. For me, coming out would’ve meant coming into a world of shame and disappointment.
Choosing me, Over Them
At the end of the day, one must live for themselves. My piano professor once told me “Malcolm, you need to be more selfish.” and I thought that was the worst advice anyone could ever give me. You’re telling a Christian-bred choir boy to be selfish? But when I reflected on the context of her words, I began to realize that she was right. I was too absorbed in what others thought of me. I was too worried about pleasing everyone around me. I was too obsessed with the thought of being liked by everyone I met, that I let myself down. Selfishness can be self-preservation, self-awareness, and self-care. I had never heard the word Selfishness used in a positive connotation before, and let alone from someone whose first language wasn’t English (not that it matters much). It was like my eyes were illuminated by a few simple words, “be more selfish”. If some stranger spoke those words to me, I probably would’ve brushed them aside, but because it was from someone I held in high regard and has shown me compassion countless times….it was clear that her words were spoken with pure intentions. At that stage in life, my body was like that of a wineglass with just a “swallow” of wine left at the bottom. You can’t give someone something you don’t possess, and at that time I didn’t possess enough self-love. Every time I chose someone else over myself, my glass became emptier and over time my vessel amounted to a sad puddle of self-worth. Choosing yourself can mean so many things, it can mean staying home to fold clothes or cleaning your house instead of hanging out. Choosing yourself could be eating healthier foods and exercising. Choosing yourself could be quitting that job or taking that day off. For me, choosing myself means revealing my truth to those around me as a means of reclaiming my power and autonomy.
I Am Worthy of Love
When referring to being worthy of love, rarely do people refer to themselves. In a world dominated by patriarchal male society, self-worth is often determined by money, possessions, and works. Rarely do people consider being worthy of love just for simply existing. As a black gay male, I often find that self-worth amounts to your bodyweight, penis size, and whether you’re masculine or feminine. Because of this, a lot of other black gay men have trouble embracing their bodies and accepting themselves as worthy of love. Catering to men and trying to keep up with their outrageous standards and qualifications is a struggle that many other gay men and I share. Existing within a gay social space doesn’t make you immune to the patriarchal-induced hatred and oppression towards feminine qualities. For example, effeminate men are often bashed and ridiculed for being…well…feminine, while masculine men are highly sought after and praised. You’d think that because we’re gay that we’d praise and cherish feminine traits, but gay men can be as equally oppressive towards effeminate men as straight men are towards cis-women. This kind of behavior is common in most gay dating apps, and most gay men suffer from it.
“Why do we lack communication and common decency??? This shit is TOXIC to me but I keep finding myself coming back because I crave some sort of companionship through intimacy. A lot of times we mistake that for love or even lust. We just want to connect. But the men here….they want to indulge and then spit you out once they’ve exhausted all of your flavor. Like a piece of fucking gum.”
These are my words from my dating profile under “What I’m looking for”. Clearly, I was speaking from a place of hurt but, my pain is also my truth. Dating apps can be the best or the worst thing for a gay male, simply because either you’ll find an individual with pure intentions or you’ll find a bunch of broken and insecure men who constantly need to feel validated and sexually coddled. As much as I despised being on those apps, I can honestly say that I’ve found true love in a few instances. I don’t think it was worth all of the hurt, confusion, and chaos that I allowed rummaging through my life though. It was never until I let go of those apps, I was able to completely let go of some of my insecurities. Constantly being judged by men is mentally dilapidating and emotionally draining. I made myself vulnerable to constant letdown, hurt, and sometimes abuse by strangers and passersby. All because I wanted validation, I wanted to feel sexy, I wanted to feel loved, and I needed confirmation that I was worthy enough. But what factors exist that truly determine a person’s worth? None, you’re worthy of love simply for being.
“Love liberates”-Maya Angelou
I’m currently 28 years old, it wasn’t until I turned 25 that I realized that as a gay black male, I was never able to grow up as my authentic self. I grew up roleplaying, masquerading and pretending to be a version of myself that wouldn’t fall victim to humiliation, harm, and prejudice. But now, as I pick apart the broken pieces of the self I tried to hide, I’m rising to the occasion. Living my truth right now is more important than anything. Love is the key, and through loving myself….my full authentic self, I can be free.
